So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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