Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
