So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We have started to decorate penises.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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