people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
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