you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
