Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
