I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
