The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
