Ambien. No doubt about it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
