Only a mothe r could love this liver
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
