as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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