Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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