i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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