I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I had to cum in my sink.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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