I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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