she woke up with a sticky ear
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
