I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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