we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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