just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
