you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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