I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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