You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
is it fun? or sober?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
