is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
