Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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