how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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