And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
