eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
