Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
