I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
