I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
