the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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