For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Even my vagina gasped.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
