she was so not down for the gang bang
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
