I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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