i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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