My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
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He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.