I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.