I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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