I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
