i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
