I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
