If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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