u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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