So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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