I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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