Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
