Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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