just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Watching her eat just hurts me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
