I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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