Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
