How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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