my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
