I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
