At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
