I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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