did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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