just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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