I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
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My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
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HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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